For Stefan & the butterflies

five years ago now my cousin, Stefan, passed away at age ten.

he loved being outside, in gardens, with animals, and he especially adored butterflies. i remember he felt heartbroken over that they didn’t get to live as long.

the very day before he died, he got to visit Butterfly World and for a few moments he could forget about being sick. he died during a routine heart surgery the next day. it was so unexpected.

a few weeks after we heard the news of his passing, i was reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova and there was a passage that sent shivers down my spine, it read: 

“she liked being reminded of butterflies. she remembered being six or seven and crying over the fates of the butterflies in her yard after learning that they lived for only a few weeks, some only days. her mother had comforted her and told her not to be sad for the butterflies, that just because their lives were short didn't mean they were tragic. watching them flying in the warm sun among the daisies in their garden, her mother had said to her, see, they have a beautiful life. Alice liked remembering that.” 

today i visited a butterfly aviary & i watched the newly born butterflies hang upside down to dry their wings before i helped cup them in my hands to take them outside for their first flight.

i also watched the ones who were put into a safety net who were going to die soon. they were so delicate and trusting and a part of me simultaneously hurt & healed watching them.

i believe that Stefan is now safe and somewhere beautiful, but i could swear a part of him was there with me today, too.