A Letter for My Brother

One of the luckiest things that can happen to you in life is, I think, to have a happy childhood - Agatha Christie

on your twenty-sixth birthday,

there are so many more moments i wanted to included in that video because each second is so precious to look back on. 

i really love how mum and dad (especially mama since you hardly see her in the films since she’s always behind the camera) filmed so much of our childhood days, even the most simple of moments because i can look through the footage for days and never tire of it. it feels like i’m back there again, a fly on the wall, and i can almost smell what the house smelt like, or taste that unique taste of when we’d always drink water from the hose in the garden, or hear the summer crickets from my bedroom window, or imagine that colour of blue that your bedroom walls were painted or the sunlight streaking through the curtains in that upstairs tv room.

i become so immersed in those moments, watching us when we were so young and free and careless and a lot of it makes me laugh at how funny we were.

remember when we would play with the tape recorder and interview each other or pretend to be different characters?  i remember laughing a lot one night when i would have to wear my retainer and you made fun of the lisp i had. i loved the games we played, and i loved sitting on the couch watching you play Aladdin or Earthworm Jim on Sega, and before i started school i'd always wait for you to come home to watch cartoons together and you'd play with me even when you were tired. 

there really is just something about watching yourself when you were young, at least for me. there’s something so calming about it, there’s no pretence or judgment or embarrassment because it’s all so honest. we had so much fun, it was as if our entire childhood was a never ending summer as we played in the pool and jumped on the trampoline, sleepovers at ouma's house and sunsets running up and down the sand dunes with the dogs, and the hours drives to the farm where we spent every minute outside in die karoo, and at night we sat around the fire and the milky way was vivid above us. 

of course we are still young, and i don’t mean to sound as if i’m sixty years old and all the young years are behind us - not at all, but, i suppose i mean to say that as i’ve grown up, if i film myself now or see myself in photographs sometimes i can be so critical or want to hide. the same way we’ve all felt self conscious or pulled a face at ourselves thinking “oh no why did i say that or say this or do that?”

though, you’ve never made me feel like that. i love being with you because the way we are in those childhood films are the way we are now so many years later. i can always be myself and look however at whatever time. you are never judgmental and you never ignore. it is so effortless just to simply 'be' with you even in silence.

it's what so many people hope for in life and it's what's summed in these words - "not much has changed"

and isn’t that just so lovely and so wonderful? 

i used to think all siblings are like that and of course many siblings are as close as we are and have this ‘special bond’ that i talk about and explain but, i’ll be bias and say that there are no two like us.

and when i say that i actually mean to say that there is no one like you. 

i know that people say nostalgia can make the past seem better than it was but the light & love and summer-type feeling those films have are exactly what every day was like growing up with you, and the happiness that gives me is overwhelming it makes me cry - to say that something really was just as if not more beautiful than it seems. it's quite a rare thing, but i'm grateful to be able to remember back and say that i feel nothing but joy. 

 the way it feels to watch them back now at age 21 for me, the way it kind of makes my heart ache but overflow with warmth at the same time is a feeling i can’t express. i want to be eloquent and sum it up in some quote i find on google but i honestly can’t. all i can imagine in my head is hugging you or looking into your blue eyes saying “wow that really was just the best wasn’t it?” 

but i suppose that’s what life is, right? you have all these amazing experiences with these people in your life that you really love more than life itself and, i don’t know, i suppose not many people write about it because words aren’t enough and so we flow through life and every now and again when we see an old photograph or video or have a reminder of something or write a birthday card do we think back or we remember how somethings felt. 

we can only be aware of the fact that one other person also remembers or feels these things and if we are truly lucky enough they can smile back at you and say, “yeah that was really fun” and hug you back tightly. that type of shared happiness is so pure.

maybe this is just more bias but, i feel as though i feel love and this nostalgia and emotions and my total adoration of you so deeply that rather than my heart being worn on my sleeves it’s on my very finger-tips. 

i also think our lives separately but together at the same time has just been so grand. three countries, seeing and exploring the world with mama en papa, only having the other in these big foreign lands to play games with and keep each other entertained. partners in crime through it all. it was the best seeing so much of the world so young. i would live out all those years my whole life over if i could, and i'd choose to spend them with you every single time. we really did good and handled all the changes so well. you always let me have the window seat on all those planes trips.

you are in those videos with me and you were indeed there with me and have known me genuinely my entire life, but it still amazes me.

i think i feel this utmost love for you because you’re the only other person in my life who was really there with me. and the fact that i don’t remember probably a lot of moments because i was a baby or too young doesn’t even matter because somehow i feel it. for some scientific reason do i feel that when i look at you, or speak about you to people. i think other than mama en papa or oupa en ouma is it the fact that you're the one person who is most familiar to me. and familiarity is also comfort and safety. 

of course mama en papa were there too all those years, but i think it’s a different type of love. you see me in a way that nobody in the whole world sees me, and that has shaped who i am and how i see myself. even though we are two separate human beings, who i am to you matters to me, you're like this other reflection of myself, who i look at to say 'am i alright? am i right in saying this? i'm not going crazy am i?' and you've always just made me feel like everything is fine - and that i'm all good, even in moments where i wasn't.

when mama would tell me about how when i was a baby and some mornings she’d wake up wondering why i’m so quiet and she’d go check on me and actually see that you’d snuck into my crib with me and you were making me laugh or laying next to me. 

i don’t remember that because i was a baby (obviously) so i only remember the pictures or videos taken of that but even if there were no proof i’d believe it. 

isn’t that the funny thing about this kind of love? 

it’s this unconditional love where i just entirely accept you how you are. it is never difficult and there are never any 'buts' or hesitating or second chances. it's always the way it is and it is never tiring. it is always constant and it is always 'just because'. there's nothing you could ever do that would make me love you less. 

i’m sure when we were teenagers we argued and we did and we said teenager-ey things but there’s not one thing that ever changed the way i felt when i looked at you, and there were so many countless moments where the most comforting thing in the world was knowing you were around the corner or in the house somewhere in your room. 

you always let me hang out with you and your friends in each stage of our lives which is impressive (haha). four years between us may not be that big a difference but when your little sister wants to hang with all your guy friends it could be totally lame but you never told me to go away. thank you for that, 

thank you for teaching me so many things and always telling me and sharing things with me that you know i’d like because you like it too. 

mama and i always say you and i can differ like day and night but there’s that quote from Hafiz that goes;

“even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' look what happens with a love like that - it lights the whole sky.”

and so i think even with our differences - in all aspects - of differences of opinion or differences in arguing or understanding or patience, it’s never been a win-lose type dynamic, it always felt like even ground, it always came back to peace or forgiveness.

i’d do anything for you Dries, i’d scream until my voice gave out defending you or trying to find you if you ever got lost.

you have all the patience in the world and all the time in the world to listen to me and my rambles. and even when you’d always say something about how much i talk and fill the silences with mostly nonsense, you never really said it with a bitter-tone, which kind of sums up your entire sweetly non-confrontational nature.

you’re the most kind-hearted person i will ever know. i’m glad that you were born first because being born where from one day you were there by my side is the best thing of all. i was really spoilt in that way wasn't i? i was never ever alone.

you’re in every coldplay & keane song i listen to, sometimes i swear when i sing along to ‘somewhere only we know’ or 'green eyes' i can hear your voice in there too even when you’re not with me. i remember some days i'd sit in my room with my eyes closed while you played guitar in yours down the hall and it'd be so peaceful and i'd whisper along to the words you sang.

whenever i see a poster of an animation film i think of you and the days when you’d call me into your room to see the snippets of characters you’d created and i was the first to see and you were always so excited to show me. or when i watch episode after episode of some tv show i think about sitting in your room with you watching the office or playing playstation together and you would always make me laugh so much.

or that time you downloaded the entire series of gilmore girls for me because i loved it so much. i remember for my one birthday when you bought me the evanstar necklace after we were so obsessed with lord of the rings, and to this day it’s still one of the most treasured and beautiful things in my jewellery box.

you always give the best gifts and gave me so much in even the smallest of ways just by being so considerate and thoughtful. especially through your words or actions. i’m such a vocal person and say how i feel or what i think but somehow you always pick up on the unsaid things, when my eyes light up at something or what i think of certain things even when i say nothing at all. 

maybe that’s the nicest thing about knowing someone your whole life, i feel as though i’d never truly have to wonder about you or like i’d ever ‘lose touch’ with you because we’re so intertwined. i also in turn then feel as though my thoughts would never get lost or could be too scary or silly to share as long as i have you. 

 i love us together but i love you moreso as your separate person and seeing you continue to do what you love and seeing you grow up because i continually look up to you and support you and i would only ever want the best for you. seeing you be so happy with the love of your life, owning a house together and taking your career-life by storm, continuing to create and work so hard, it is a total honour to witness. 

because of that do i love watching the films of when you were young, your first birthday, those first few years of life when i wasn’t even a day-dream yet and being so in awe of you even when you'd chase the chickens out of their pen and throw all of Albertus' new tennis balls out of their packets. 

you are such a beautiful human being and i am so incredibly excited for the rest of your life and sharing all our adventures with one another.

you’ll always just be the epitome of “too good for this world” to me.  i love easily and a lot but you’re the one person who i’d make any excuse for, you’re the one person who i’d believe over anybody else. and that’s not necessarily a ‘sibling thing’, that comes from my belief that you’re an honest, good person and never thinking any differently of you - no matter what. 

you are soft and gentle but you are also courageous and strong and capable. whenever you may think you can't or you aren't this or aren't that - i do. 

you are so creative and your imagination is so unique and colourful and even with that do you never dismiss anyone else’s ideas or dreams.

your greatest power is that nobody is you Dries - and you should never let anyone make you feel like less because of that, because it's what makes you rise above all else. 

when you talk it’s with such purpose, you can move mountains even in your sleep and you’re a true teacher without realising it just by taking such care with explaining things, with encouraging and with listening. you have such grace. i think i’ve learnt to be more patient & gentle from you. 

every year somehow takes me by such surprise whenever it's your or my own birthday, it's like the way summer is, you know? once it comes along and the air is so warm and soft every day with the sun out till late and you think it will never end, and then once autumn rolls around it always shocks you a little.

when i think back to our days growing up in cape town, it seemed like it was summer every second, and in a blink of an eye i wake up and we're so grown up. sometimes it scares me how fast time goes by, but, there's still so much to come, and we'll always have our summers in the 90's. 

you deserve the world & you deserve endless summers Dries,

thank you for everything - 

big hug & kisses on your birthday

lief vir jou altyd, van jou sissie 

x